Apparently I am not a very nice person when I am ill. What me? Surely not, I am sweetness personified!
My partner said next time I am ill – not that he wants me to both for my health and his sanity he will video it just so I can see the person of awfulness I actually become.
I can’t believe it for one moment although the recent bout of flu I had I do seem to remember a certain amount of resistance to being looked after.
Actually it’s all coming back to me and yes – I think I actually turned into a monster for 48 hours.
I am pretty good at dealing with sickness and I try not to dwell on it, soldier on until I fall over. This time I fell over with vengeance after catching a bug on the flight home from holiday. Tried to ignore it for a day and then gave into the nasty little bug like thing in my system and fell into bed bypassing my partner Chau who was trying to check if I was OK by gesticulating with the back of my hand to ‘leave me alone’
I'm am nearly 46 years old but I flounced in like a 16 year old and continued to be obnoxious throughout.
Leaving me alone is very important in my journey through flu as you really would not want to travel with me through it.
Prior to moving in with my long suffering partner I lived alone for 10 years and most of that was in the middle of the African Bush which was a little more isolating than a housing estate in the Home Counties!
When you were sick over there it was a case of grin and bare it as there really is not much that can be done as Drs and medicine are far are few between. Always, always always make sure you have Malaria treatment with you otherwise the outcome could be severe. It nearly was once with me when I awoke after 48 hours on a quinine drip in a Malawi hospital – that was the neighbouring country to where I was living. It was that bad I did not even notice I had been emergency evacuated across the border!
I was used to lying in bed after contracting an unknown virus with temperature sky high and amazing hallucinations until the one and only Dr managed to battle through the elephants and other wildlife in order to say ‘you look rough have some Panadol, its all I have got'
Believe me it was scary to be ill in the middle of nowhere, although great for weight loss (I always try and look at the positive!)
Getting used to living with someone again takes time and we admittedly cut out a lot of the ‘getting to know’ and got straight on with the 'living with' which meant that we had not experienced all of our character traits and this was very apparent to Chau when I got flu.
Now bedridden which is highly unusual for me he left me to go to work and I sweated it out at home fluctuating between sleeping and thrashing around sweatily in bed. Chau as a dutiful and caring person he is called me regularly. I did not answer. I just did not want to know.
On his return he came upstairs to check on me as one would. Well I who had been on their own all day had become possessed by something quite horrific.
Everything he could do or say was wrong
‘Do you want some lemonade, it’s the zero calorie one you asked me to get?’ my reply, 'why would I want any of that?'
‘Would you like me to turn on your laptop for you?’ my reply ‘why would I want my laptop on? His reply ‘ its on the bed and I thought you may like to use it, my reply ‘NO’
It was ‘NO’ to everything and why was he so stupid to ask me all of these kind caring and normal questions?
I was being totally irrational, I knew it but I just could not help it, I had no control of what came out of my mouth other than total rudeness
I knew it was getting bad when he asked if I wanted something to eat. ‘ No, if I want something I will get it myself and I am going to have baked beans' ‘OK’ ‘ he said ‘I will heat them up for you’ This was shocking news to me and how dare he suggest that he heat up my beans? These beans were the most important thing in the world and it was me that had to cook them.
I staggered downstairs to heat up beans I did not even want. I knew I was really quite ill but these beans were the focal point of my existence even if it took me half an hour to coordinate the tin and a tin opener.
A comforting hug would be nice? ‘Get off me!’ I just could not cope with the niceness. Not normal is it?
Back to bed without a word. A few hours later I opened an eye to see Chau kneeling at the side of the bed. ‘Why are you praying? I'm not dead yet’
Poor guy was really worried about me and was just checking I was still breathing
I have only realised while writing this my behaviour in certain circumstances shows just how isolated I had become and if I am going through a difficult time I withdraw and shut down. This was apparent in this situation and its all very well being a strong independent woman but I am very lucky to have found someone who is A – willing to take me on, flaws and all. B – patient enough to wait out my teenage tantrums and C – understands that I still need time to get used to sharing my life with someone again. I need to appreciate that and embrace it not throw it away.
It will continue to take time to get used to each other and I think I have an easier ride than Chau as after a fair few relationships where my naivety and trust have taken me to a bad place where I have shut down completely. Now is the time to make the change to share my life. I can still be independent I just don’t need to go through the bad bits on my own.
I really hope I remember this if I get ill again although I cant guarantee to be a perfect Angel next time!
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